We at SAWERA welcome our new Program manager, Pramila Paranjape to our fold!

Pramila comes to us with a vast network of contacts and years of experience in the field of Social work, which she says is “not only my profession but it is my passion and commitment too”.

Her social work experience began at age 16. She was a part of women’s writers group called, ‘StreeUvach’ (Women speak) and women’s discussion forum called, ’Maitrini’ (Female friends). These experiences inspired her to choose social work as her profession.

Pramila has a Bachelor’s degree in Economics from the University of Mumbai and a Master’s degree in Social Work from the reputed Tata Institute of Social Sciences, Mumbai, India, where she was awarded the coveted Dorabji Tata Merit Scholarship.

She has served as a board member for the last 4 years on the Foster Care Review Board of Washington County of State of Oregon.

Pramila  served as a Development Officer at Women’s Economic Development Corporation of State of Maharashtra, India that promoted entrepreneurship and economic independence of women.

She also has extensive experience in working with slum women andchildren on the issues of health, education, eviction, etc.

Pramila is married with 2 high school children.

With Pramila on board, SAWERA is certain to see the dawn of new and wonderful possibilities!

Please join us for SAWERA fundraiser at Sweet Tomatoes.

Event :                                          SAWERA Fundraiser
Time :                                           15 February · 17:00 – 20:00
Location :                                  Beaverton Sweet Tomatoes
More info :                                1225 NW Waterhouse Ave, Beaverton Oregon

For those of you who are attending, please print a copy of the flier. Flier can be found at the link below:

http://sawera.org/wp-content/uploads/2011/02/FunRaiserFlyer.pdf

SEE YOU THERE!

Domestic Violence should not happen to anyone. But it does. Domestic Violence, also known as domestic abuse, spousal abuse, child abuse or intimate partner violence, is broadly defined as a pattern of abusive behavior by one or both partners in an intimate relationship. We all come across a friend, co-worker or an acquaintance who we think might have or are suffering from domestic violence but have no clue as to how to help them. Leaving the abuser isn’t always easy for the victim but with ample support, she might seek help sooner.

Here are some points to remember when offering to help a victim:

• Listen, listen and listen. Let her express all her fears and other feelings.

• Tell her it is not her fault.

• Tell her she does not deserve it. No one ever deserves to be hurt.

• Tell your friend she is not crazy. A person who has been abused often feels upset, depressed, confused, and scared. Let her know that these are normal feelings to have.

• Tell her good things about herself. Let her know you think she is smart, strong and brave. That her abuser is trying to bring her self esteem down.

• Encourage her to build a wide support system. Encourage her to talk to friends and family.

• They are often kept isolated, so try and help your friend break out of the isolation the abuser has put her in. Keep in contact with her on the phone or by going out with them.

• See if she needs medical attention. Your friend may not realize the extent of their injuries.

• Ask her about her children’s safety. Encourage her to talk about the effects this might have on them.

• Give her information about abuse. Give her phone numbers where she can talk in case she needs help.

• Be patient. Self-empowerment may take longer than you want. Go at the victims pace, not yours.

• Never try to pretend that the abuse isn’t happening or that it isn’t that bad. Let your friend know that it is serious offense and pretending won’t make it go away.

• Never blame or attack the abuser. Bad-mouthing the abuser may make the victim feel responsible for defending him.

• Never spread gossip.

• Never try to make her do anything she doesn’t want to. It won’t work unless it’s her decision.

• Never blame a victim for the abuse or for their decisions. Leaving an abusive relationship is hard and usually takes a long time.

• Don’t give up. Let her know you will always be there for her when she may need help or just needs someone to talk to.

• Encourage her to call 911 if she feels unsafe.

• Make a safety plan with her so that she has a picture of what she would do in case she was attacked.

• Most importantly, TAKE GOOD CARE OF YOURSELF.

Through this blog, we hope to help women who help victims of domestic violence in some capacity.

Resources:

1. SAWERA- www.sawera.org- 503-778-7386

2. IRCO-www.irco.org- 503-234-1541

3. Raphael House-www. raphaelhouse.com – (503) 222-6222

4. Domestic Violence Resource Center- www.dvrc.org- 503.640.5352

According to National Coalition Against Domestic Violence, Up to 1.3 million women are physically abused annually by intimate partners in the United States;

• On average, more than 3 women are murdered by their husbands or boyfriends in this country every day
• Around the world, at least 1 in 4 women has been beaten, coerced into sex or otherwise abused during her lifetime;
• Domestic violence is primarily a crime against women. In 2003 in this country, women accounted for 85% of the victims of intimate partner violence and men accounted for approximately 15% and,
• Rape, physical assault, stalking and homicide committed by intimate partners costs the medical and mental health system in this country $5.8 billion in direct costs each year.

Women of all races are about equally vulnerable to violence by an intimate partner.

According to a study conducted by Anita Raj and Jay Silverman discovered that more than 40% of the 160 South Asian women living in Greater Boston they surveyed indicated that they were victims of intimate partner violence, and only 50% of women who experienced intimate partner violence were aware of services available to help.

Please call SAWERA at (503) 778-7386 for help.

We are very excited to team up with Cafegive, a Portland based company which made donating for the cause you believe in easier. Since its launch, Cafegive has over 50 causes for you to choose from and over 275 brand names  to choose merchandise from. It’s easy and doesn’t cost anyone extra. As an online shopper, all you need to do is go on www.cafegive.com, choose your cause and begin shopping.  It will show you what percentage of your amount you spent went to the cause.

Currently, we have a Cards for Cause campaign going on until December 10th. It is yet another way for supporters of SAWERA to give back to the cause over the holidays. Again, follow  the steps above. It is fun, simple and each purchase of $50 earns $10 for SAWERA.  Please click on the Cafegive logo to shop or lean more about the campaign.

We all heard about Mary Winkler, ‘The Preacher’s Wife’ who shot and killed her husband. They were parents of three beautiful girls.  It is almost five years that this incident took place and today Mary Winkler is out of jail, readily speaking about the abusive relationship she was in for years.

Why will a woman who has been abused for years not run away from abuse but sees killing the abuser the only solution? It makes me think if she could she be suffering from what is known as Battered Woman Syndrome? According to Mary Helen Wimberley, The Battered Woman Syndrome was developed in mid-1970’s which was introduced to help explain the reasonableness of a woman’s actions in self defense against her abuser.  The post does not intend to accuse or defend Mary Winkler, but help readers understand what must have gone in Mary Winkler’s life and why she took that step.

See Walker, L., The Battered Woman Syndrome (1984) p. 95-97. There are four general characteristics of the syndrome:

1. The woman believes that the violence was her fault.
2. The woman has an inability to place the responsibility for the violence elsewhere.
3. The woman fears for her life and/or her children’s lives.
4. The woman has an irrational belief that the abuser is omnipresent and omniscient.

The woman goes through four stages of the battered woman syndrome. First being in denial about the abuse then being guilt ridden about her own actions that might have caused the abuse. She then goes through what is called the ‘Enlightenment’ phase, where a woman go longer feels that abuse was her responsibility and recognizes that no one deserves to be treated that way. Finally, she accepts the fact that her abuser will never change and she comes to a point where she decides that she would no longer submit to the abuse and come whatever , she will stop the abuse.  Had she reached that point? Did she believe that leaving him would not end the abuse and if she doesn’t pull a trigger on him, she will never escape the abuse.  Had she reached that point? Something to ponder upon.

More can be found here:

http://www.aolnews.com/crime/article/mary-winkler-abused-wife-who-killed-preacher-husband-matthew-winkler-speaks-out/19704797?icid=maing%7Cmain5%7C1%7Clink4%7C23752

It is becoming fairly common to hear about domestic violence among well educated H1-B holders, which demands the need for all women who plan to accompany their spouse on H4 visas  to be aware of the conditions that come with this visa. To begin with, H4 visa is a dependent visa which is applied by many women/men from other countries that allows them to accompany their spouse in the US.A.

It is sad to know that many women on dependent visa are abused from the day of the wedding. Cultural barriers along with the hope of ‘marriage would get better with time’ attitude leaves the women scared  and vulnerable and unfortunately, many women do accept  it as a part of the life and try to adjust with it.  Apart from the common barriers like language and culture, immigration status is one of the major barriers these women face.  And often, fear of deportation makes many women suffer in silence. A study of Indian women on H-4 visas, Marrying Into America: The H-4 Visa Bind, found that many women “are highly vulnerable to abuse because they have neither emigrational nor financial independence.”^[1]

We see that many women, even in happy marriages,  who are dependent on the status of their husbands were unknown of the big and small conditions that came with a dependent visa and god forbid, if the partners turned out to be abusive , the situation became even worse. The purpose of this post to give the readers an overview of what it means to be on a dependent visa and what role does immigration play in abusive relationships.

Power and Control Tactics used by the abuser:

This version of the Power and Control wheel, adapted with permission from the Domestic Abuse Intervention Project in Duluth, Minnesota, focuses on some of the many ways battered immigrant women can be abused.

It is very important to know that dependents on H-4 visas:

• Do not have a right to employment
• Do not have a social security number
• Do not have an independent immigration status.

Which in many cases would mean that the principal visa holders are in complete control of their spouses and usually, immigration status becomes a tool to gain power and control by the spouse.

The principal visa holder may abuse the women by threatening her in the following ways:

• report her to the INS and get her deported.
• that he will not file immigration papers to renew the visa.
• that he will withdraw the petition he filed to legalize her immigration status.
• that he will harm someone in her family in the home country.
• that he will have someone harm her family members.
• that he will take the children from the United States.
• that he will report her children to the INS.

Along with the points above, the abuser might isolate her from friends and family and minimize his actions by saying that they do not mean anything unless they were done in public. Many times,  the principal holders intimidate the H4 holders by taking away all the immigration documents( i.e. passports, kid’s passports, ID cards, health care cards, all the supporting documents).

Safety Plan for Immigrant Women- Courtesy Ayuda Inc. Legal Aid Washington D.C

1.       Do not hesitate to call 911 if you feel unsafe around your spouse. Remember, you have rights even if you an undocumented resident.

2.       Keep copies of all yours and your children’s documents, passports with a trusted friend or neighbor.

3.       Work with an advocate to understand your rights as an immigrant in the U.S.A.

4.       Keep a record of all your bruises or external markings indicative of abuse.

5.       Tell your friends about the abuse. Do not keep quiet about the abuse.

6.       Tell your parents about the abuse. They can be a great support system.

7.       Keep in mind all the safe places you can go to when your safely is threatened.

8.       Do not use the computer at home if you are accessing sensitive information( example: abuse, how to get away from your abuser etc,) instead go to a local library.

9.       Change passwords to your email and other accounts regularly.

10.    Clear your computer’s temporary internet files if you use the home computer.

11.   Call SAWERA at 503 778 7386.

Visas that can be applied for a DV survivor:

Speak with your domestic violence advocate if you wish to apply for any of the Visas below:

VAWA SELF-PETITION

The violence Against Women Act of 1994( VAWA) is a federal law which was passed in 1994 as a result of grassroots efforts in the early 1900’s from victim services fields, law enforcement agencies, prosecutors offices and the courts.

VAWA enables battered spouses and their children to obtain lawful immigration status without the abuser’s knowledge or permission since it is a confidential petition.

U VISA

This Visa enables a dependent spouse or an illegal immigrant to obtain a legal status to live the country. However, there are conditions that apply. The victims must collaborate with the investigation or prosecution of the crime. The U Visa gives authorization to work.  Please speak to your advocate for more information.

T VISA

The T Visa is specifically for immigrants trafficked into the United States for commercial sex or labor. Please speak to your advocate for more information.

Online Resources

• www.legalmomentum.org
• www.refugees.org
• http://www.jessenlaw.com/US-Immigration-U-Visa.aspx
• www.endabuse.org
• www.ncadv.org
• www.immigrantwomennetwork.org
• www.stopfamilyviolence.org

Asian

• www.sawera.org
• Asian and Pacific Islander Institute on Domestic Violence
• www.dvrp.org

Muslim

• www.baitulsalaam.net
• www.faithus.org
• www.niswa.org
• www.sista2sista.org
• www.amila.org
• www.karamah.org

Martyris, Nina (16 September 2002). “Kiran: Ray of hope for abused Indian women in US”. The Times of India. http://timesofindia.indiatimes.com/articleshow/22395940.cms. Retrieved October 15th,  2010.

Facebook has become such a popular tool to connect with friends, family and the ” world” around that we sometime forget about who may be watching us. Although it may be the most popular tool to nurture extended personal network and it may be great way to get the needed support, it can very well become a tool for the abusers to keep a tab on their (ex) partners. For those who have left their abusive partners should be informed thoroughly about not sharing their private information, pictures and whereabouts on their profile pages for safety reasons. Facebook is not immune to hackers and therefore high level of privacy settings must be administered.

Through this blog post, we would like to reach out to survivors who are thinking about having an FB page or those who already have active accounts.

Here are the privacy settings that everyone should know:

1. Search Visibility- Google and Facebook: Do you know you can make your profile non searchable? It means no one will be able to search your FB profile by using Google or the search page on FB, while you will be able to search anyone.  This can be done by using the drop down menu on your right hand side of your profile page and choosing privacy settings according to your level of visibility you want.

2. Make good use of your Friend Lists:

You may organize your friend lists according to the information you wish to share with them. Since Facebook is not free of loopholes, a person who does not belong to your list, but is someone from your friends friend list may have access to your pictures. Friends lists can be created by using Edit Friends.

3. Photo/Video Tag:

This is the loophole that was mentioned above. Once tagged, your pictures or videos can been seen by your friend’s friends. However, this setting can be changed too. Go to Privacy settings page and select the option: customize. You may then choose ‘only me’ option. This will only allow you to see the pictures if you were tagged by your friends.

4. Protect your pictures:

Just like other information, your pictures can be protected too by being allowed to be viewed only by your friends.

5. Make your contact information private:

If you want your contact information to be shared only among your friends, make it a point do so. Go on Privacy settings and customize them according to your safety plan.

Facebook has been an amazing social networking website which one on has brought long lost friends together but on the other hand has given abusers another tool to stalk or harass their (ex) partners. Be Informed Be Aware !

If asked, most of the victims of domestic violence would say that their friends had a hard time believing that her partner abuses her when they are alone. Some are very obvious abusers and would leave no opportunity, amongst friends or alone, to put down their partners. While some do not care about the crowd, some are sneaky and cautious abusers. They use extreme caution to cover their acts and manipulate the victims into believing that it is normal behavior and that the fault was hers. These kinds of abusers are friendly, good conversationalist, volunteers, good employees,  thoughtful and over all great guys. So when a woman talks about abuse from this great guy, friends and people who know him find hard to digest that someone like him could do something like that to the woman.

Abusers often have two 2 faces, one for their partner and one for the public. Again, it is good to remember that each individual makes a rational and intelligent decision.  The abusers , therefore are making conscience decision to keep their public image intact while they continue to perpetrate crime against the victim. That is why, they intentionally act like great people so that no one believes her when she makes a report.  Often among the community, her credibility is at stake people . He might send subtle messages to the people around him that the woman has mental issues, has an affair or has anger problem and he is working hard to adjust. He calculates and weighs each and every word he says about her to the people.

Many survivors are often taken by surprise, or are rather shocked after they are first attacked physically or emotionally. Also, it leaves the woman thinking if her partners is suffering from mental issues and early intervention would help him change. Rather, it is an intentional choice to have two faces that enable him to maintain an image of being a good guy while maintaining power and control over her through violence. Sadly, it often works for the abuser, either because of the position he holds in the society or because of his good public face and it is the woman who suffers because of lack of support.

It is very important that we stay non judgmental  and that we listen to her, believe her and validate her feelings.

We’ve heard this many times that DV survivors patch up very quickly. This event leaves the support person frustrated and wondering why a woman would go to her abusive partner. The reasons are many, from financial to personal.  Reasons for returning back to the abuser are somewhat similar to why she hesitates leaving her abuser in the first place. The very first barrier to her freedom has very much to do with her being financially dependent on her partner.

As told before, the abuser sometimes doesn’t let the woman retain the jobs she has had in the past or is currently in by causing problems at her workplace.  Additionally, there is a high chance that the abuser has destroyed the woman’s support system which she had carefully built over time.  It becomes even harder for stay at home mothers and women whose credit history has been destroyed by their partners.

Sometimes, women feel unsupported and isolated which hinders their drive to remain separated from their abusers and they return back when it becomes too much to bear. She also feels she has no choice but to return to the abuser.  Other times, the guy cajoles her into returning back by asking for forgiveness and by promising that he has changed. This however almost never happens and not forget that they often use manipulative ways to bring the woman back.

Kids are another big reason. Often woman feels sorry for her kids because her move separated the kids from their dad. Vice Verse, she may be made to believe by the abuser that he will harm the kids if she doesn’t return.  Whatever the scenario maybe, children too are a big reason why women return back.

Also, a big reason  is the fact that most women still get harassed, stalked and abused after they leave. In fact, according to the Uniform Crime Reports of the US, 1996, 30% of all female murder victims in the U.S were killed by their current or former intimate partners.  Therefore, statistically, the women are more at risk of getting killed after they have left.  So, women sometimes decide to go back to the abuser rather than taking the risk of being killed.

The key to helping the survivors is to not become judgmental but to understand that when a woman makes a decision to return to the abuser, she actually makes a rational and an intelligent decision.

Next Week’s question: He’s a good guy and counseling will change him!