Saturday, November 5 at 6:30pm – November 6 at 12:00am

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Location

The Governor Hotel, Heritage Ballroom

614 SW 11th Avenue

Portland, OR 97205

Please join us for a fun evening with dinner, entertainment by Belly Dance Soulfire, auction and foot tapping Bollywood music by DJ Abhi, all benefiting a great cause!SAWERA_Gala_Poster_110909-1

Save the Date! Our 5th Annual SAWERA Fundraiser will be held on Saturday, November 5th, 2011 at the Governor Hotel in downtown Portland. Enjoy an evening of dinner, dancing, auctions and entertainment – all to benefit South Asian women and children who are the victims of domestic violence in Oregon. While all of us can be susceptible to hard times, our clients are often left with little means to make a brighter future for themselves and their families. At last year’s fundraising event, we raised over $34,000! With your generous support, we can continue to strengthen our programs and enrich the lives of so many in our community. We look forward to seeing you and more details will be posted soon!

Please join us for SAWERA fundraiser at Sweet Tomatoes.

Event :                                          SAWERA Fundraiser
Time :                                           15 February · 17:00 – 20:00
Location :                                  Beaverton Sweet Tomatoes
More info :                                1225 NW Waterhouse Ave, Beaverton Oregon

For those of you who are attending, please print a copy of the flier. Flier can be found at the link below:

http://sawera.org/wp-content/uploads/2011/02/FunRaiserFlyer.pdf

SEE YOU THERE!

Domestic Violence should not happen to anyone. But it does. Domestic Violence, also known as domestic abuse, spousal abuse, child abuse or intimate partner violence, is broadly defined as a pattern of abusive behavior by one or both partners in an intimate relationship. We all come across a friend, co-worker or an acquaintance who we think might have or are suffering from domestic violence but have no clue as to how to help them. Leaving the abuser isn’t always easy for the victim but with ample support, she might seek help sooner.

Here are some points to remember when offering to help a victim:

• Listen, listen and listen. Let her express all her fears and other feelings.

• Tell her it is not her fault.

• Tell her she does not deserve it. No one ever deserves to be hurt.

• Tell your friend she is not crazy. A person who has been abused often feels upset, depressed, confused, and scared. Let her know that these are normal feelings to have.

• Tell her good things about herself. Let her know you think she is smart, strong and brave. That her abuser is trying to bring her self esteem down.

• Encourage her to build a wide support system. Encourage her to talk to friends and family.

• They are often kept isolated, so try and help your friend break out of the isolation the abuser has put her in. Keep in contact with her on the phone or by going out with them.

• See if she needs medical attention. Your friend may not realize the extent of their injuries.

• Ask her about her children’s safety. Encourage her to talk about the effects this might have on them.

• Give her information about abuse. Give her phone numbers where she can talk in case she needs help.

• Be patient. Self-empowerment may take longer than you want. Go at the victims pace, not yours.

• Never try to pretend that the abuse isn’t happening or that it isn’t that bad. Let your friend know that it is serious offense and pretending won’t make it go away.

• Never blame or attack the abuser. Bad-mouthing the abuser may make the victim feel responsible for defending him.

• Never spread gossip.

• Never try to make her do anything she doesn’t want to. It won’t work unless it’s her decision.

• Never blame a victim for the abuse or for their decisions. Leaving an abusive relationship is hard and usually takes a long time.

• Don’t give up. Let her know you will always be there for her when she may need help or just needs someone to talk to.

• Encourage her to call 911 if she feels unsafe.

• Make a safety plan with her so that she has a picture of what she would do in case she was attacked.

• Most importantly, TAKE GOOD CARE OF YOURSELF.

Through this blog, we hope to help women who help victims of domestic violence in some capacity.

Resources:

1. SAWERA- www.sawera.org- 503-778-7386

2. IRCO-www.irco.org- 503-234-1541

3. Raphael House-www. raphaelhouse.com – (503) 222-6222

4. Domestic Violence Resource Center- www.dvrc.org- 503.640.5352

According to National Coalition Against Domestic Violence, Up to 1.3 million women are physically abused annually by intimate partners in the United States;

• On average, more than 3 women are murdered by their husbands or boyfriends in this country every day
• Around the world, at least 1 in 4 women has been beaten, coerced into sex or otherwise abused during her lifetime;
• Domestic violence is primarily a crime against women. In 2003 in this country, women accounted for 85% of the victims of intimate partner violence and men accounted for approximately 15% and,
• Rape, physical assault, stalking and homicide committed by intimate partners costs the medical and mental health system in this country $5.8 billion in direct costs each year.

Women of all races are about equally vulnerable to violence by an intimate partner.

According to a study conducted by Anita Raj and Jay Silverman discovered that more than 40% of the 160 South Asian women living in Greater Boston they surveyed indicated that they were victims of intimate partner violence, and only 50% of women who experienced intimate partner violence were aware of services available to help.

Please call SAWERA at (503) 778-7386 for help.

We are very excited to team up with Cafegive, a Portland based company which made donating for the cause you believe in easier. Since its launch, Cafegive has over 50 causes for you to choose from and over 275 brand names  to choose merchandise from. It’s easy and doesn’t cost anyone extra. As an online shopper, all you need to do is go on www.cafegive.com, choose your cause and begin shopping.  It will show you what percentage of your amount you spent went to the cause.

Currently, we have a Cards for Cause campaign going on until December 10th. It is yet another way for supporters of SAWERA to give back to the cause over the holidays. Again, follow  the steps above. It is fun, simple and each purchase of $50 earns $10 for SAWERA.  Please click on the Cafegive logo to shop or lean more about the campaign.

We all heard about Mary Winkler, ‘The Preacher’s Wife’ who shot and killed her husband. They were parents of three beautiful girls.  It is almost five years that this incident took place and today Mary Winkler is out of jail, readily speaking about the abusive relationship she was in for years.

Why will a woman who has been abused for years not run away from abuse but sees killing the abuser the only solution? It makes me think if she could she be suffering from what is known as Battered Woman Syndrome? According to Mary Helen Wimberley, The Battered Woman Syndrome was developed in mid-1970’s which was introduced to help explain the reasonableness of a woman’s actions in self defense against her abuser.  The post does not intend to accuse or defend Mary Winkler, but help readers understand what must have gone in Mary Winkler’s life and why she took that step.

See Walker, L., The Battered Woman Syndrome (1984) p. 95-97. There are four general characteristics of the syndrome:

1. The woman believes that the violence was her fault.
2. The woman has an inability to place the responsibility for the violence elsewhere.
3. The woman fears for her life and/or her children’s lives.
4. The woman has an irrational belief that the abuser is omnipresent and omniscient.

The woman goes through four stages of the battered woman syndrome. First being in denial about the abuse then being guilt ridden about her own actions that might have caused the abuse. She then goes through what is called the ‘Enlightenment’ phase, where a woman go longer feels that abuse was her responsibility and recognizes that no one deserves to be treated that way. Finally, she accepts the fact that her abuser will never change and she comes to a point where she decides that she would no longer submit to the abuse and come whatever , she will stop the abuse.  Had she reached that point? Did she believe that leaving him would not end the abuse and if she doesn’t pull a trigger on him, she will never escape the abuse.  Had she reached that point? Something to ponder upon.

More can be found here:

http://www.aolnews.com/crime/article/mary-winkler-abused-wife-who-killed-preacher-husband-matthew-winkler-speaks-out/19704797?icid=maing%7Cmain5%7C1%7Clink4%7C23752

We’ve heard this many times that DV survivors patch up very quickly. This event leaves the support person frustrated and wondering why a woman would go to her abusive partner. The reasons are many, from financial to personal.  Reasons for returning back to the abuser are somewhat similar to why she hesitates leaving her abuser in the first place. The very first barrier to her freedom has very much to do with her being financially dependent on her partner.

As told before, the abuser sometimes doesn’t let the woman retain the jobs she has had in the past or is currently in by causing problems at her workplace.  Additionally, there is a high chance that the abuser has destroyed the woman’s support system which she had carefully built over time.  It becomes even harder for stay at home mothers and women whose credit history has been destroyed by their partners.

Sometimes, women feel unsupported and isolated which hinders their drive to remain separated from their abusers and they return back when it becomes too much to bear. She also feels she has no choice but to return to the abuser.  Other times, the guy cajoles her into returning back by asking for forgiveness and by promising that he has changed. This however almost never happens and not forget that they often use manipulative ways to bring the woman back.

Kids are another big reason. Often woman feels sorry for her kids because her move separated the kids from their dad. Vice Verse, she may be made to believe by the abuser that he will harm the kids if she doesn’t return.  Whatever the scenario maybe, children too are a big reason why women return back.

Also, a big reason  is the fact that most women still get harassed, stalked and abused after they leave. In fact, according to the Uniform Crime Reports of the US, 1996, 30% of all female murder victims in the U.S were killed by their current or former intimate partners.  Therefore, statistically, the women are more at risk of getting killed after they have left.  So, women sometimes decide to go back to the abuser rather than taking the risk of being killed.

The key to helping the survivors is to not become judgmental but to understand that when a woman makes a decision to return to the abuser, she actually makes a rational and an intelligent decision.

Next Week’s question: He’s a good guy and counseling will change him!