If you can keep your head when all about you
Are losing theirs and blaming it on you,
If you can trust yourself when all men doubt you
But make allowance for their doubting too,
If you can wait and not be tired by waiting,
Or being lied about, don’t deal in lies,
Or being hated, don’t give way to hating,
And yet don’t look too good, nor talk too wise:

If you can dream–and not make dreams your master,
If you can think–and not make thoughts your aim;
If you can meet with Triumph and Disaster
And treat those two impostors just the same;
If you can bear to hear the truth you’ve spoken
Twisted by knaves to make a trap for fools,
Or watch the things you gave your life to, broken,
And stoop and build ‘em up with worn-out tools:

If you can make one heap of all your winnings
And risk it all on one turn of pitch-and-toss,
And lose, and start again at your beginnings
And never breath a word about your loss;
If you can force your heart and nerve and sinew
To serve your turn long after they are gone,
And so hold on when there is nothing in you
Except the Will which says to them: “Hold on!”

If you can talk with crowds and keep your virtue,
Or walk with kings–nor lose the common touch,
If neither foes nor loving friends can hurt you;
If all men count with you, but none too much,
If you can fill the unforgiving minute
With sixty seconds’ worth of distance run,
Yours is the Earth and everything that’s in it,
And–which is more–you’ll be a Man, my son!
–Rudyard Kipling

One more time-

Compilation Courtesy: SAWERA Volunteer

There is a common pattern of abuse which we call a cycle of abuse. Women and men who have gone through some kind of abuse would be able to identify with it and people who have never experienced abuse in their relationship would find this piece of information useful in understanding why the victims takes time before  seeking help.

The pattern goes something like this:

• Abuse – Here abuser does the act of abusing the victim. He or she may be aggressive, act violently towards the victim or use common household items as weapons to intimidate the partner. The goal here to show who is in control. The victim on the other side may feel threatened, violated, and would feel a heightened sense of fear. An outsider might think this that this battering event is incited by the victim, but rather, the act of battering is a conscious decision made by the abuser to abuse.

• Guilt – After the abuse, the partner feels/ pretends guilty of what not what he or she has done, but about the possibility of being caught.

• Excuses– The person who abuses rationalizes what he or she has done and would find blame with the victim’s behavior. ‘ You did that, that is why I hit you’.

• Acting Normal — Here the abuser acts normal as if nothing happened. This behavior from the abuser creates a sense of normalcy in the victim and he/ she starts to wonder if the abuser is too bad to leave.

• Fantasy – Abuser starts to find faults in the victim to start the whole act of abuse again.

• Set-up – The abuser sets the victim up and puts his/ her plan in motion, creating a situation where he/she can justify abusing the victim.

• Abuse- All over again.

It becomes every difficult for the victim to leave the abuser as the abuser apologizes and loving gestures in between the episodes of abuse makes it difficult to leave. The abuser may make the victim believe that he/she loves the victim very much and that things will be different this time. Most of the victims who have gone through multiple cycles of abuse often suffer from what is called battered person’s syndrome, where a victims feels it is his or her fault that the episode of abuse occurred.  Remember, Love doesn’t hurt !

Some recommended reads:

1. http://www.ahealthyme.com/topic/depabuse2

2. http://www.womensweb.ca/violence/dv/cycle.php

Cultural differences play an important role in how the abuse is taken by the women and people around her.  Contrary to the belief that there’s more abuse towards women in the Third world or Middle Eastern countries, the research shows that abuse knows no boundaries. It does not discriminate between race, ethnic background or class. However, the way abuse is perceived in different backgrounds may be different. Interestingly, U.S is becoming even more multicultural with the influx of diverse immigrants from all over the world with the projection that by 2050, U.S will have its 47.5% of its population from multicultural background.

As mentioned before, although victims may suffer the same battering event, they might perceive and interpret it differently due to differences in how they lived their life with different belief systems. Women from each ethnic background faces unique problem due different social realities and cultural barriers (including language barrier).

The purpose of this blog is to make the readers aware of the American and South Asian cultures and invite them to have a dicussion on how ethnic minorities can be served better.