Recognizing the Cycle of Abuse in Intimate Relationships
There is a common pattern of abuse which we call a cycle of abuse. Women and men who have gone through some kind of abuse would be able to identify with it and people who have never experienced abuse in their relationship would find this piece of information useful in understanding why the victims takes time before seeking help.
The pattern goes something like this:
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Abuse – Here abuser does the act of abusing the victim. He or she may be aggressive, act violently towards the victim or use common household items as weapons to intimidate the partner. The goal here to show who is in control.
The victim on the other side may feel threatened, violated, and would feel a heightened sense of fear. An outsider might think this that this battering event is incited by the victim, but rather, the act of battering is a conscious decision made by the abuser to abuse.
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Guilt – After the abuse, the partner feels/ pretends guilty of what not what he or she has done, but about the possibility of being caught.
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Excuses– The person who abuses rationalizes what he or she has done and would find blame with the victim’s behavior. ‘ You did that, that is why I hit you’.
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Acting Normal — Here the abuser acts normal as if nothing happened. This behavior from the abuser creates a sense of normalcy in the victim and he/ she starts to wonder if the abuser is too bad to leave.
- Fantasy – Abuser starts to find faults in the victim to start the whole act of abuse again.
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Set-up – The abuser sets the victim up and puts his/ her plan in motion, creating a situation where he/she can justify abusing the victim.
- Abuse- All over again.
It becomes every difficult for the victim to leave the abuser as the abuser apologizes and loving gestures in between the episodes of abuse makes it difficult to leave. The abuser may make the victim believe that he/she loves the victim very much and that things will be different this time. Most of the victims who have gone through multiple cycles of abuse often suffer from what is called battered person’s syndrome, where a victims feels it is his or her fault that the episode of abuse occurred. Remember, Love doesn’t hurt !
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